In light of the recent events regarding the decision by DFO to not remove the oil from the sunken ship Manolis L that has been leaking since last March I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ve decided that trying to get this resolved from the outside is not going to work. I’ve decided to infiltrate the government and fix this from the inside. That’s right, I’ve made the decision to become a minister in Stephen Harper's cabinet. I’ve given it serious consideration and study and after investigating current ministers I think I’ve figured out exactly what I need to do. It’s really simple, which brings me to step one.
I have to get simple. I think a few rocks to the head will do the trick or a game of shinny without a helmet. If I still have an IQ of over 100 after trying those things maybe I’ll watch a few Rob Ford Videos and use up some remaining grey matter trying to figure out what the hell he’s on about.
Once I’ve lowered my intelligence getting elected will be easy. Can you say Election Reform boys and girls? Oh yes, that wonderful new bill they’re just putting through parliament to be in effect for the next time we get to mark our X. No more robocalls, just plain old disenfranchising the voters who would vote for the other side. Have you heard the new CPC slogan? Welcome to Cheaters R Us.” Catchy and kinda nails it uh?
With that taken care of I just need to shed my desire to care even one iota that anything I say makes me look like a complete and utter imbecile. Things like, “This is the permanent solution until it isn’t” and “A fisherman from Fogo says we’re awesome!” will become part of my regular dialogue. I must be subtle. I can’t just say I’m an idiot. I need to prove it by my actions.
Then I must learn to spin. Not the making yarn from sheep’s wool(the kind they try to pull over your eyes) but the kind where no matter what kind of douche bag you are you make it seem like your douche- baggery is really a good thing. “Did you kick that kitten?” “The kicking of kittens is an integral part of the country’s economy. Without the occasional kitten kicking the price of gasoline would drop and then there would be a drought in Saskatchewan. Vote for me so I can save Flin Flon.”
The casting away of principles is also important. They have no place in the Harper government. Also, do not ever pay a senator’s expense bill to get him out of trouble unless you do so and don’t tell the Prime Minister because you absolutely must never do such a thing unless you need to do it but don’t tell the Prime Minister.
String hiding is also a skill you must learn. Invisible thread allows your puppeteer to control you without it being very obvious. If you’re one of the unfortunates that is made into a hand puppet then practice wiping the grimace off your face every time you give a speech with Harper’s hand up your arse. In the case of Peter McKay it’s wipe the smile off your face…but…I digress.
I must always remember that the Harper government is opinion optional. You have one option. Don’t have an opinion. However should you require an opinion at some point one will be provided to you. Please copy it in triplicate and use all three wisely. You may not be given another opinion. Stealing the opinions of the Prime Minister is allowed, indeed it’s encouraged. He’s that kinda guy-fist bump!
So there you have it. These are requirements to become a minister in the cabinet of Stephen Harper. I think I can meet all of them quite easily. Anybody up for a game of shinny? A fisherman from Fogo says we’re awesome! Oops sorry kitty, but at least Assiniboia is taken care of.
Seriously though, keep the faith. A Tory government is somewhat like a cofferdam. In the, er, unusual sentniments of Fisheries Minister, the Hon. Gail Shea, “It’s permanent…until it isn’t.”