Saturday, June 16, 2012

Unconditional Love: A Rant

Breeze interpretation:  I'm an arsehole but you should love me anyway because that would make ME happy.



Breeze Interpretation:  I'm such a wonderful person, pick me as a mate and I'll let you remain a jerk.




















These photos both came through my Face Book Feed this morning.(please turn on images if you are reading this on your mobile device)  Aren't they lovely?  They are talking about that wonderful ideal of loving somebody unconditionally and without limitations no matter how difficult and moody they are.  Isn't that wonderful?  It's fantastic right? 

They're saying "You're a big shit head but you get to be in my life anyway because I LOVE you".  And in case you're not getting the sarcasm in this yet let me spell it out for you.  Both of these are utter bullshit.  

Let the rant begin.

Yes I know I go around talking about unconditional love.  And I believe fully in it.  BUT.  Here is the big caveat, the big truth, the big fat honest fact about these two photos with their incredibly deep and noble sentiments(yep still sarcastic).  They are being used to keep people in incredibly unhealthy and unfulfilled relationships. 

Now I'm not saying that anybody is perfect.  Lord help the man who has to put up with my quirkiness and oddness.   I'm spontaneous and absentminded.  I talk too much and I get excited over the tiniest thing.  I'm a bundle of energy and high octane.  I am passionate(ok no complaints about that one) and demanding.  I have high expectations.  I also grumble and complain at times.  I have a huge fear of being ordinary which can be difficult for a person who craves ordinary, to live with.  I know I'm not perfect by a long shot.  But I'm real.  I'm authentic.  I am emotionally healthy. I don't need anyone to love me in spite of all that.  I don't need someone to help me unpack my baggage, I can and have done that myself, thankyouverymuch.  If somebody is with me it's because they want to be there because of my wonderfully quirky ways NOT in spite of them.

 Perhaps some might call that ego but I truly believe that I am a catch, a prize, worthy of respect and love.  I treat myself really really well.  I care about myself.  And I will only have in my life somebody who does the same.  Somebody who believes they are worthy and good and kind.   Someone like that is healthy and has no baggage. They have unpacked it and tucked it away.  They don't need to go around spouting "love me in spite of my damage" because they don't see their experiences as damage, they see them as life and living.  They have no baggage because all the lessons they have learned are positive and they've grown.  They are, for lack of a better word, mature.

How does this look? 

Well, the first goes "I know I treated you like crap, I was an ass and I'm sorry but you must love me and keep me anyway, because if you love me you'll love me for all of my flaws because I'm only human." Whine whine, tantrum over.

The second dynamic goes "I love you and I am treating you with respect.  I am not perfect but I'm a work in progress but I will be honest and kind and compassionate to you even though I've gone through some shit because you are frigging awesome and deserve it and I am frigging awesome and I deserve you."

Do you see the difference? 

We have all been hurt.  We all have a past.  We all regret things we have done or didn't do, we all have things we have been ashamed of.  What a healthy person does is leave it where it belongs, in the past, and what a non healthy person does is suck somebody into the vortex of their misery using the above sort of sentiment as a way of holding a nurturing and caring person into their lives using their best qualities(their compassion and love) as a vice to keep them in place.

The common Modus operandi of this person is the idea that "if you love me you would forgive my disrespect, my anger, my name calling, my passive aggressive behavior, my unhealthy way of living,  my manipulation, my mistreatment of you, because I have a past and your job is to make me happy so you should put up with my crap, forgive my disrespect because that's what you're supposed to do." Again. I call bullshit. 

So.  What about unconditional love?  Yeah, what about it?  Well of course you should love unconditionally, that isn't the point.  It's the staying with/living with/being in a relationship part of the equation I am referring to.  It's perfectly fine to love the arsehole.  But perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship, marry, have babies, stay with, cohabitate, join finances with this person.  Perhaps you should extricate yourself from any "need" to fix this person and do them a big favor and set them free to fix themselves.  If you have to sacrifice yourself to make them happier then you have this kind of person in your life.  If martrydom is your thing then go for it but martyrs die.  Remember that.  Also remember, it's never to late to leave.  And if you're the arsehole, it's never to late to change.

I love everybody unconditionally but I will only have the good, kind, healthy, baggage free, grown up and mature person in my life.  I will, from a distance, love, care for and support everybody.  I have great understanding and compassion.  In fact, I love people so much that I will not condone their failure to learn and grow from their past.  I will not condone their attempts to draw wonderful people into their dysfunction and I won't be drawn into it either.  All that said, I will not judge their behavior either.  We all are just looking for love and to be happy. Even those who use the above sort of thing to justify and to remain ungrown. (I made that word up by the way).

What I will do is encourage every person to take a look at their own behavior and see if they have baggage to unpack and if so to take the initiative to unpack it themselves.  They should admit their own weaknesses, flaws and mistakes and attempt to deal with them before bringing people into their lives and expecting them to do it.  Support is wonderful.  But that's not doing it for them, that's standing by as they do it themselves.

A strong person of quality will not stay with you to help you fix yourself.  They love you too much for that.  They love themselves too much for that.  It's called enabling and they don't do it.  They will stand by you, stick up for you, be your best friend, be your only ally...but from a distance. 

Watch for the person in your life who throws this sort of thing at you a lot.  These sayings I mean.  If somebody says that they love you and will stay with you and they spend a lot of time forgiving you perhaps you should start looking at ways to improve so they no longer need to be forgiving you.  Perhaps it's time for you to grow up before they realise they're worth more and give up.  If you have fallen into a relationship or  have someone in your life who throws this sort of thing at you or allows you to remain a mess by condoning and accepting and living with your flaws, does that not prohibit you and encourage you NOT to grow and learn and evolve? 

If you have somebody in your life that is dealing with a person who seems to still be dealing with the demons of their past life then you need to stop forgiving and excusing their behavior and start looking to care for yourself and not them.  You may have to extricate yourself from the relationship at least until they're healthy and have grown and become strong and healthy or else you may find yourself sucked into an unhealthy codependent relationship that drains the very essence of all that you are.  I've been in that relationship.  It was worth it.  I learned a lot.  I got 2 beautiful children from it.  And I left because he was too much work and I was worth so much more.  Also remember this.  Like me, you fall into this because you are capable of great love and because you are wonderful.  You will see your way out for the same reasons.

You only go around once people.  Make sure you share your journey with people who value your time even if that person is you and you alone.  You have the power to make yourself healthy and whole but no amount of your misery, sacrifice or love can make another person whole.  That is entirely on them.

Rant over.


Love yourself first..it's all easy after that.  Carolyn R. Parsons
 

 

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