|The Super Moon in Newfoundland|
I was travelling through Newfoundland, on my way back to Ontario on the day of the full moon last Saturday. It was cloudy and it didn't look good for me to see this moon, which was a super moon, rare and beautiful. I love the magic of the moon phases and I was somewhat disappointed at the cloud cover that was preventing me from seeing this particularly special one.
Then I thought, I'll see the moon. The clouds would give me a bit of a peek at it surely? And if they didn't, well, it was still there, still magic, still powerful. I would just have to feel it instead of see it. But someone would take a picture of it so there was nothing to be missed.
And then, as if by magic, we drove into clear sky and there was the super moon! I took pictures, bad ones of course, but the picture in my mind is much clearer, not just of the large, beautiful magic moon that night, but of everything!
My recent trip through the eastern portion of this great country from the seat of a transport truck afforded me much visual pleasure aside from my moon gazing and an abundance of time for inner reflection and thought. It gave me the gift of unrestrained emotion, freedom from responsibility and more time to meditate than I've had in a long time.
And boy did I need it. It also provided me the opportunity to reach an understanding of myself, of the things I want in my life, the things I don't want and the way to achieve each and every one of them. I did not come to new conclusions. Instead, I reaffirmed what I already knew to be true. It made me strong again, it gave me a sense of knowing that was sort of floating out of my reach recently and it helped me get back on the path I am suppose to be walking.
I understand now that I am alone in this universe in the sense that I am the only one who can make me happy. I have always known this but sometimes, in the course of putting others before yourself over long periods of time, of being told that service to others is the key to happiness, the scale tips and you forget about service to self and soul. You cannot give the love you do not have within you to give.
While I am alone in one sense, I am connected to all in some manner and I am a part of the whole of humankind. I know that when I hurt one, I hurt myself so I try not to hurt any, which is, impossible of course.
It is difficult to parse the difference between selfishness and self caring and particularly difficult when your entire being is drawn to be the nurturer, the giver, the lover of the whole world.
But it is not selfish of me to take the time to live my life the way it was intended. It is my way of service. I am to write the things that make others think and consider and possibly change for the better. It is my calling to be a writer of good things that make people happy. To make people think. This is what I am supposed to do.
But as much as that is my calling, it is also my calling to do the things, only the things that make me feel good. Sometimes this is something somebody asks me to do. Sometimes it's the refusing to do the things others ask me to do. I have to choose and sift and decide and be at peace with that.
Here's something that just came to me. Read this line a few times. See if it makes sense and let me know.
What makes me feel good isn't the fun things I do. It's the feeling good that makes the things I do fun!
The feeling must come first. I must be happy, then my life is good. And because of already feeling good there is no disappointment.
For anyone who has ever been on an "adventure" of some kind with me you will see that, no matter how things go, they never go wrong, at least in my mind. We run out of time to do all the things planned, so what? We have rain, so what? My team loses, big whoop! No matter what, the adventure is big and it is good and it usually is full of surprises and happiness. I do not experience disappointment in any big way. Because something good always happens anyway. Usually something better.
I feel that now. That something better is coming up. New people will bring me joy. I know something good will show, something better than even I could have imagined. And it will happen because I am happy and because I expect it to.
I feel sorry for those who have wonderful events in their lives go bad simply because it didn't go exactly the way they thought or expected it should. I never build up any expectation in my mind except that I will be happy and have fun. And that happens because I have control over that, if not the events, always.
The decisions I have made and will make may sometimes make others unhappy but I am not responsible for their feelings. The conclusions that I have reached about my happiness and my life, the ones that keep me grounded, make me happy and gives me peace, they can come to as well. But I cannot remain unhappy in my situation for their happiness. I must be happy in my situation for me. That is my choice and I am free to make it.
All of the people around me are free to be themselves. Sometimes the temptation to advise them to change is overwhelming, particularly when I see them in patterns of unhappiness that are because of their own negative thoughts and fears rather than large issues.
It is however, a joy to watch those with large issues, be happy in spite of them. That is the stuff that makes someone a superhero in my eyes! That is what I want most of all for those I love.
There is a story about two cats. One an older wise one and another a kitten. Day after day the older cat watched the kitten chase his tail. The kitten did it all the time and finally the wise cat spoke to the cat going in circles. "Why do you chase your tail?" he asked. "Well," the little kitten replied, "I have been told that my happiness is in my tail so I am trying to catch it, I wish to be happy." The older cat thought for a minute and then he said to the kitten. "Yes, it is true that your happiness is in your tail. I have always known this, but, for me, what I have always noticed is, as I go about, day to day, doing my thing, living my life, it follows along behind me, there is no reason to chase it."
Stop looking for happiness. You know where it is. There is no reaching, it follows you and all you need to do is acknowledge it. Accept it.
In giving the people around me the freedom to be who they are and live their lives as they see fit, I also claim for myself that same freedom. I will always love who I love, spend my days doing exactly what I am supposed to do that day but with no promise that I will live the next day the same way or in the same circumstance. I have but one moment and it is now. I have but one life and it is mine. I take that for me just as I give that to all of the "yous" in my world and expect you to take it. I want no one around me who is there out of obligation or responsibility but only there out of love and a desire to be in my life. I promise the same to those around me.
Now..off to live this day...happily.
|There is no "but" in love, there is "I love you, no matter what"|
Carolyn R. Parsons