Sunday, January 9, 2011

Hey Dad..I wrote a book!

Harold Johnson Parsons


Hi Dad;

It's been a while since I dropped you a line.  I figured it was time to touch base.  I often think back to that moment, in that hospital room thirteen years ago today, when I felt you leave this physical world.  I remember thinking, in that moment, that you were gone, yet I could still feel you there and I knew, you really went nowhere.  People have asked me how I could do it, sit there, all night, holding your hand, reading to you as you slipped, one laboured breath at a time, away from me.  From us.  My answer always has been, "How could I not?"  How could I not be there for you in the most important moment of your life?  It is a memory I will treasure forever.  I would do as much for anyone.

I went home last summer.  Of course you know that as well.  You were there in every bejewelled night sky, in every sunny summer breeze, in the topaz blue ocean that made me stop with awe and wonder on that quiet Sunday morning just before I left.  And you were with me when I visited your grave for the first time.  You comforted me then and let me know you were with me and at peace.  I looked around at all the markers that day and walked through and sent peace to every family member of every person who rested there.  You directed me to do so and it was right.  Remember the words I wrote with the stones?  Naturally you do.


You also know that I took two white stones off your grave, one to remind me of you and one because I knew that day was the birthday of a friend who had passed.  I carry both with me always.  They comfort me.

We were all there in the cove and had a family reunion! It was magical. Parsons' at every turn! Uncle Ray is as funny as ever and he took everybody fishing everyday but I wondered what it would have been like if you had been there. How much you would have loved it and the stories you could have told us of the past. So much was lost when we lost you. We do know however the sound a Robin makes when it rains thanks to Uncle Ray!

Hey, I wrote a book!  Remember how you always said I would?  And remember that dream you had about "The Tick of the Engine?"  I made a story out of that as well.  I think you would like it.  

I'm going to write another book!  Then another.  Then another.  It's all I want to do now.  That and move  back  home to Newfoundland.  I think I have to go home soon.  It's where I am most at peace.  Where I write the best and most of all it's where I find you easiest.  Plus the salt water makes my hair curlier just like yours!

Life has changed a lot dad, in the past 13 years.  I think that's what I miss the most, telling you everything, and having you listen and be proud.  I was at Uncle Wallace's seventieth birthday party last night and Joanne went and sat next to her dad and he put his arm around her and I had to admit it hurt a lot.  I want my dad to put his arms around me and at times it's difficult to remember that they always are.  Just in a different way.

I wonder what you would say to the way my life has gone and is going?  In my happy times I think you would smile and celebrate and in my difficult times you would tell me "that's not serious," and make me laugh and forget my trouble.  Life isn't serious is it? And it's damned short even if you live to be 100! 

There isn't much more to say, yet there is so much. Yes I'm crying, and I know it's damn foolishness but sometimes it happens.  Thirteen years is a long time to be without you though it's a flutter of a butterfly wing in this eternity we silly humans keep dividing into time. 

I think of you everyday.  I miss you.  I will love you until forever.  This is a difficult day but it's hard to be sad when I'm so blessed in so many ways.  I love big and I love forever.  It's you who taught me how to do so.

Talk soon dad,

Carolyn




 

1 comment:

Audrey said...

Oh Carolyn, what a beautiful letter! I am so moved by it, and as I was reading through my tears I kept thinking, "I hope that when I am gone, someone will write me a beautiful, heartfelt letter like this one!"

I love you Breeze! Your Dad IS proud of you, and he IS with you! Embrace him!
xoxoxo