Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Living up to Expectations

It seems to me that many people are disappointed in others. I'm looking around seeing complaints and status on face book about how this one lies and that one is unfair and just offence after offence taken by one human due to the behaviour of another.

In mulling it around in my mind a bit I realise we spend a fair bit of our time in expectation of certain behaviours from others. Our mothers should be a certain way, our fathers should be another and certainly we spend a lot of time discussing what we expect from our children. Entire parenting philosophies have been written about expecting more and you'll get more.

I'm feeling the pressure lately of certain expectations. Some of them are from the outside, others are entirely mine. Suddenly my three year old is almost old enough to go to school and the "when are you going back to work?" question has been rearing its ugly head lately because of course, a human being's entire worth is dependant upon the money they can bring into the home. I've been working on letting that go. I work plenty. Four children, three at home, a husband gone for weeks at a time, and a house to run, and now, with nothing else changing I'm expected to get out there and earn a living, pull my weight financially. And somehow I doubt my husband would have earned as much money if I weren't here caring for our children. Fortunately he feels strongly that my role is as important as his and the money he earns is our money. He gets that and I'm forever grateful for it.

The dilemma is that a possible part-time job has appeared. The thought of it makes me nearly ill. First of all my baby would have to go into daycare. Second of all my older daughter would also require daycare as she attends every other day right now. Over the course of the summer both would require full daycare while I work. And meanwhile I still have the absent husband, three children at home and a house to take care of.

But there is incredible pressure for me to do this. It might become full-time, I have the experience, I could do the job. It doesn't matter that I have done this kind of work before and hated it. This might be alright, different company, they seem like nice people. There are many compelling reasons to consider this.

But my entire body collapses in on itself at the thought. I feel ill. The stress of all it would entail fills me with an incredible feeling of angst. I feel to my core that this is the wrong decision. Yet I'm considering it.

What message am I receiving. I don't think we'll starve or lose the house without the small amount of money I would make. I will not be as available to my children. I will not have the patience or energy they need. They will have to adjust, I will have to adjust. I get little time now to do the things I love to do, I'd have no time then.

I know what I should do. My heart and soul and body speak the answer to me. And yet, what will people think?

I know the expectation is there, I feel it pressing on me, pushing the breath out of me. And I also know I won't be taking the job. I know it is the wrong decision.

So my focus today is to allow the pressure to flow around me but not let it weigh me down. I know I will let others down in a way, they will talk, they will not understand my reasons however I also know that the wrong decision will let me down.

I have certain expectations for myself and one of them is to follow the course that I know will serve me and ultimately all of the family best. I'm looking for an out, a solution that will help us financially but also make me happy too. I'm not finding one that will make everyone happy so I think I'll just have to make me and my children happy. Meanwhile I'm sending an invitation to the universe. I need to earn some extra money and there is a way that will add to our lives, not subtract from mine.

So today, I request of the universe, and you out there in Bloggy World, Please spam me with any brilliant ideas you have. I will listen happily to them.

Namaste
Breeze

14 comments:

April Lindfors said...

I took a job I didn't want last year, and I feel I'm still recovering from the aftermath! You are right to follow your heart. If I think of something brilliant for you to do to make some extra cash, I'll let you know.

Audrey said...

Breeze, this post hit very close to home for me! I am also being pressured to return to work, and I am now looking at going back on a part time basis. But it is with heavy heart that I do so. My life has changed! My body has changed. My attitudes have changed. I am no longer able to physically do the job that I used to do, but there is this pressure! I also am throwing things out to the universe! HELP!!! SAVE ME!!!

On another note, did you ever take the leap of faith you mentioned some time ago?

Breeze said...

I sure did Audrey and it's working out well...I see a lot of potential for a decent income in the future...but for right now..not so much!

I think I'm going to focus on that, my Heritage Makers business which hit a few road blocks but I absolutely love and move on!

Breeze

Sarah said...

I'm gonna weigh in here - I am a mom of five children,smart and capable. But... I am first and formost a Mom. I have taught preschool for 24 years now - I started because of this very situation. Maybe you could take just one kiddo in - generlly you don't need licensing for that and it will bring in the same amount of cash as a part time job without all the outflow of cash and being unavailable to your own kiddos.
Just a thought.
Beyond that - what everyone may think of your choices is irrelevant - this is your life and your family - do what is best for you!!! Huge hugs, Sarah

Audrey said...

Oh I am so happy to hear that! I have been thinking about you ever since you wrote about the leap, and I kept waiting to read an update. I am thrilled for you!

Reveda Prisha Umankshi Bhatt said...

First of all decision to go back will be at costs that I don't rate as a good trade off-
~ Less time for children
~ Will be at the cost of your creativity... as you will have lesser time at your disposal.

I sincerely believe that you need to let that flow of creative writing continue and you will find your way.....

Just a little suggestion to both Audrey and Breeze- instead of asking from Universe, you need to tell it what do you want...it will conspire to give it to you the thing that you will ask for...

So just go and ask for yourself

Breeze said...

Sarah...I absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not meant to care for other people's children. And you've made a good point, it is my life and my decision however we don't live in a vacuum. In trying to figure things out I don't believe there is even money to be made which makes the decision that much easier..lol.

Reveda~you are so wise for such a young one, must get some fantastic genes from your Papa! You know what, you are right, when we ask we come from a place of want and need, when we tell and feel and know what we want the universe responds in kind.

I know what I want. I am fortunate that way! I'll do that then...all will be fine!

April..I know, your situation is what I'm afraid of! And I know how you can soon start making extra cash...start making music to sell!

Thank you everybody..grateful the universe sent me you!

Breeze

nollyposh said...

Can you work from home at something?

Michelle said...

Listen to your body! It is telling you something.

xxx

jinksy said...

No money is worth losing out on the baby years of small children! Being a full time Mum is the best job ever.

Lisa said...

follow you heart and your gut.
rule number one of the universe- if something is meant to be, the universe makes it easy.
smooch xx

Double-Dolphin said...

I'm with Nolly on this one, find some work that you can do from home. End of the day, it boils down to a simple balance, what you give, and what you get in return. Forget what people will think, consider if it's worth it for you.

Sara Williams said...

I have worked all my life in jobs that werent "me". After years of trying for a family & fertility treatment, when I had my 2 sons, I was overjoyed. I had the same dilema as you... I have always loved animals and in my teens was a groom for a private stables. I decided to take up dog grooming which I have done for 4 years on a mobile basis. I pick & choose my hours, my days, my customers and I get a great sense of well being from my work :0)

halloweenspirit01 said...

If you do not NEED the money to survive, and it would make you sad, have a negative impact on your loved ones, then don't do it. Do not let others' pressure you into making your decisions. They would not allow you to make their decisions for them. It is harder to quit a job, after you start than to make the decision to not take a job in the first place. I've been there. Sounds like you have a pretty important job already.
Cindy