It seems to me that many people are disappointed in others. I'm looking around seeing complaints and status on face book about how this one lies and that one is unfair and just offence after offence taken by one human due to the behaviour of another.
In mulling it around in my mind a bit I realise we spend a fair bit of our time in expectation of certain behaviours from others. Our mothers should be a certain way, our fathers should be another and certainly we spend a lot of time discussing what we expect from our children. Entire parenting philosophies have been written about expecting more and you'll get more.
I'm feeling the pressure lately of certain expectations. Some of them are from the outside, others are entirely mine. Suddenly my three year old is almost old enough to go to school and the "when are you going back to work?" question has been rearing its ugly head lately because of course, a human being's entire worth is dependant upon the money they can bring into the home. I've been working on letting that go. I work plenty. Four children, three at home, a husband gone for weeks at a time, and a house to run, and now, with nothing else changing I'm expected to get out there and earn a living, pull my weight financially. And somehow I doubt my husband would have earned as much money if I weren't here caring for our children. Fortunately he feels strongly that my role is as important as his and the money he earns is our money. He gets that and I'm forever grateful for it.
The dilemma is that a possible part-time job has appeared. The thought of it makes me nearly ill. First of all my baby would have to go into daycare. Second of all my older daughter would also require daycare as she attends every other day right now. Over the course of the summer both would require full daycare while I work. And meanwhile I still have the absent husband, three children at home and a house to take care of.
But there is incredible pressure for me to do this. It might become full-time, I have the experience, I could do the job. It doesn't matter that I have done this kind of work before and hated it. This might be alright, different company, they seem like nice people. There are many compelling reasons to consider this.
But my entire body collapses in on itself at the thought. I feel ill. The stress of all it would entail fills me with an incredible feeling of angst. I feel to my core that this is the wrong decision. Yet I'm considering it.
What message am I receiving. I don't think we'll starve or lose the house without the small amount of money I would make. I will not be as available to my children. I will not have the patience or energy they need. They will have to adjust, I will have to adjust. I get little time now to do the things I love to do, I'd have no time then.
I know what I should do. My heart and soul and body speak the answer to me. And yet, what will people think?
I know the expectation is there, I feel it pressing on me, pushing the breath out of me. And I also know I won't be taking the job. I know it is the wrong decision.
So my focus today is to allow the pressure to flow around me but not let it weigh me down. I know I will let others down in a way, they will talk, they will not understand my reasons however I also know that the wrong decision will let me down.
I have certain expectations for myself and one of them is to follow the course that I know will serve me and ultimately all of the family best. I'm looking for an out, a solution that will help us financially but also make me happy too. I'm not finding one that will make everyone happy so I think I'll just have to make me and my children happy. Meanwhile I'm sending an invitation to the universe. I need to earn some extra money and there is a way that will add to our lives, not subtract from mine.
So today, I request of the universe, and you out there in Bloggy World, Please spam me with any brilliant ideas you have. I will listen happily to them.